Resolute

Normally I dislike New Years resolutions. It's been years since I actually made one. It seems no matter what you resolve to do or not do you always end up disappointed in yourself. I think this is because people tend to set unrealistic goals - go to the gym 5 days a week, watch only 4 hours of tv a week, stop eating chocolate, drink less, etc. So in the vain of unrealistic goals I have decided in the year 2010 I'm going to try to do a blog post every day! It seems I've been missing that self deprecating feeling people get when they fail at their resolutions so I have decided to join in on the fun.

Now these posts will likely not all be as stellar and insightful as a lot of my posts in the past have been. Since I need to come up with something to say everyday but they should nonetheless be interesting.

Lets see how long I last...

Adult with a capital 'a'

Now is the time of year where I write an obligatory post about how quickly the year has gone by and how I can't believe it's December. Well goddamnit I CAN NOT believe it's December. But seriously though. This year has gone by unacceptable fast. Which I think can mean only one thing - I'm officially old. And if not old then officially an adult, which might be worse. People don't expect much from old people, they do however expect a lot from adults. Since turning 25 I've been thinking a lot about being an adult. And logically I know turning 25 meant nothing - I was supporting myself and doing as many adult things at 24 as now but something about it has made me contemplate what being 25 'means'.

Try to hold back mocking as I get all esoteric and self aware and shit but I think that being 25 has made be realize I need to get going with my life (figure out what I want it to be). Honestly, I realized this awhile ago and have been dealing with whatever that means all year but since October it's been a concentrated effort. I've never been one to have a life plan and I don't think even as an adult that is on the agenda but as an adult I know that I want certain things (big picture stuff not like shoes...though I really need a new pair of boots right now) and though it might seem strange, wanting things was not something I ever really let myself do (not because of some self esteem issue but more of a 'that's not the person I am' issue). Or maybe I just never thought about it that much. Age is just a number as they say and while that is totally true that number can still affect you. And though I joke about being old, turning 25 has not made me feel old per say just made me realize that I need to start deciding what I want being an adult to be like.

Tropicana Malulu: Essentials

This blog entry is going to be a departure from my normal style and context. I've decided to dedicate this entry to someone very special to me, without whom my days would be boring. Though no one who does not know her will ever be able to appreciate the depth of her character and the complex person that is Tropicana Malulu ,I thought this list of essential character traits would help those who are not fortunate enough to have her in their life.

The Essential Tropicana

+ likes to build forts

+ enjoys Jameson

+ is currently celibate

+ researches how to preform fish abortions

+ has fish

+ only eats imported Kielbasa

+ lives in a mysterious land filled with snow and crazy people

+ enjoys Jameson a lot

+ is currently looking into being on the Tyra Banks show

+ has considered becoming a madame

+ has done extensive research into pregorexia and drunkorexia

+ loves B.A.D's

+ is an expert on all things day time television related

+ is a professional hermit

+ drinks a lot of Jameson

If you have had the pleasure of knowing Tropicana Malulu please let me kn0w of anything I should add to the list.

Tropicana I hope you read this!

going for a run

Last night I decided to go running in my neighborhood after work (by decided I mean forgot my gym clothes at home and realized if I went home I would never leave again to go to the gym). I had gone running in my neighborhood before but never at night and not that often so I was not familiar with the routes exactly. Lets just say what ensued was an interesting experience.

I started off fine (or as fine as I can ever be while running), I was going down a pretty main street, things were basically well lit. Let me say now that I was aware that LA has an issue with sidewalk consistency and I don't just mean what it is made out of or how level it is (which is an issue also, see below), I mean they have issues with consistently having sidewalks at all. So perhaps it should not have been as startled when mid stride I realized that I was no longer on the sidewalk, it was gone and I was falling. In a swift move of agility I managed not to fall into the dirt pit that had taken the place of the now nonexistent sidewalk. Ok, I told myself just be more vigilant, sidewalks are an unnecessary luxury I said and kept going. Over the next few blocks I became pretty good at transitioning from sidewalk to busy street to dirt path (seriously though LA, dirt? How did that even get there). After awhile though I was growing annoyed and I could see up ahead that the sidewalk completely disappeared for what looked like forever. I saw a little side street ahead and went for it, those at least usually have sidewalks.

So I quickly crossed the street and walked into what was apparently a scene from Friday the 13th, owing to the complete lack of street lights and the eerie light coming from inside the houses. No problem I thought, now I'll just run a little faster. Which was easier said then done since, yes there were sidewalks here but I think they must have suffered some sort of structural damage in a earthquake at one point since they shot up in weird angles in places and had been patched more times then seemed possible or logical. Right, so I just have to pick my legs up higher when I run to keep from stumbling (hopefully) since I can't see at all what I'm about to step down on. Awesome, I love exercise. Run, run.

What the fuck was that? Oh, you have your sprinklers on, that's cool. I was getting pretty hot. At least that explains that creepy hissing noise.

So at this point I'm sweating, running with my legs kicking up unnaturally high and slightly damp from the sprinkler. In other words having a great time. I start to head back on a much better lit and fairly well sidewalked street, the next time I decide to go for a run I know where to come (ha, I can't even say that is a straight face). I finally get back to my apartment excited that I survived.

Now that the weather in LA is nice I would like to think that I would be doing this running thing more often. But lets be honest that was not fun. And it's not just because running for me is never exactly fun. I'm pretty sure that LA Fitness pays the City of LA to keep the sidewalks and roads a mess. It's all a giant conspiracy to keep people from exercising outside - LA wants its citizen inside running on treadmills like god intended.

Vehicular Exploration: Why it will never work for me

I like having a car, I really do. I just don't like having to drive it. This may seem like a paradox but it's not. I like the convenience, I like being able to just get in my car and go somewhere, I enjoy long drives (as long as they are not long because I'm in traffic). I don't like however having to drive. And in Los Angeles you have to drive. Though the metro is great for a very specific number of destinations it is in no means able to replace having a car. I know because I've spent probably a total of 6 months in Los Angeles without a car. I was able to manage with a combination of buses, the subway and very nice friends. It was not something I would wish to experience again however and the experience cemented in my mind the truth that LA is meant for cars. It was a city designed with driving in mind and any form of public transport have been an after thought. I include walking in this as well, though there are some very beautiful areas to walk around, overall LA is not a great walking city either; at least not as far as getting anywhere is concerned.


There is something about having to drive everywhere that often times makes me not want to go anywhere. I feel there is so much in LA I have yet to explore and the fact that I need my car to do that is discouraging to me. I'm going to blame Boston for this, as my first long term city experience was in a place where you could walk all of Boston proper in a day and the subway was everywhere. Also my proximity to New York while living in Connecticut further established the idea that cities were not for driving. And though while living in Boston most of my roommates did have cars they were not, strictly speaking, necessary (though I loved them when going to the grocery store). And though I'm sure I'm downplaying the fact that while living in Boston I would have loved to have a car at my disposal to go on a road trip or just drive around, I think at the time I did not appreciate the relationship between walking and truly discovering a place.


LA is massive so I know that it would take years to really explore all it has to offer but I feel like my car is more of a hindrance. This is a personal take on the issue as a lot of my friends view theirs cars as an aid to get out and see more things and they would be a lot less likely to explore if they had to use public transportation to do it. But to me driving around a city does not seem like a natural way to get to know a place. Whenever I think about a new place I want to go all the issue that driving brings up (having to get directions, thinking about where to park, probably paying to park, etc) come to mind and the idea starts to seem a whole lot less appealing. I acknowledged that this is my particular issue with driving coming out but driving also creates other casualties, it makes stumbling on a place much more unlikely. When you are driving you usually (though not always) have a destination in mind, it's very difficult to wander while driving and when driving to a specific destination you miss getting to explore things a long the way.

Warning: this is long and probably boring.

I realized that even after 3 years of living in Los Angeles I still don't consider myself part of the city. It's not that I feel uncomfortable or out of place all the time, I have however yet to feel that I have made this city my own. I always feel slightly outside of the group - that 'group' being the city, I suppose . Being that LA is such a large and diverse city it sounds strange saying that, as there is no one group that defines the city. In a small town it seems it would be easier to have that 'not from around here' feeling. But I feel it in LA nonetheless. I have friends here so it's not a matter of feeling alone - it's something totally different from that. I realize also that it is coming from an inward place not something imposed on me by the people I encounter. Though in this city I am very aware that there are certain places I would feel very unwelcome the general feeling I have is not coming from people it's coming from me.

This realization came to me while at the gym the other day. I analyze people. I watch people while I'm at the gym (often for the purpose of writing blog posts about them). And while I think it is totally normal to analyze people, especially in situations like the gym where people put themselves on display, I realized though that I do it everywhere. Though on a very subtle level; I did not even realize how often I was doing it. And by having that analytical mindset I am in some small way removing myself from the group - I don't think it's possible (or normal) to analyze something that you truly feel apart of. And while the gym might be a bad example since I would desire a natural separate from a 48 year old in the midst of their mid-life crisis, trying to get back their high school football-playing body, I don't know if it is normal everywhere else. Though I can't be sure if I have this feeling because I choose that separation or if it would occur whether I did that or not. I could be blowing the significance of this 'epiphany' way out of proportion. But it did make me think about that tendency that I have, which made me realize that I don't think I ever feel like LA is my city. My life is in no way depressing, which I think this is making it seem to be. I've had a ton of fun these past 3 year but part of me always feels like a long (long) term visitor. Viewing the situations and locations I'm in as an outsider would.

Not sure what to do with this new found discovery. I do know however that I should probably spend more time actually working out when I'm at the gym.

Ok, I'm really gonna try and be a better blogger. I'm aiming for once a week...let's see if I can make this happen.

Also I'm gonna post some pictures on here.

Bangs

Not the best quality pictures but you get the idea.

Shopping Carts

I think I'm going to commission a gallery showing the theme of which will be "shopping carts: a los angeles institution" (and by commission I mean post a blog about it since I have no connections in the LA art gallery scene). Before moving to LA I never really gave a lot of thought to the shopping cart - their impact on my life was minimal at best. However three years in LA has changed all that. Angelenos are an industrious people who are not content to see the shopping cart as merely an aid to get items to a checkout stand to them it has a myriad of uses that would put the average shopping cart user to shame. The most obvious of uses of course is to the homeless person who uses it as a portable storage system (this is not limited to LA clearly as homeless all over the country make use of this function). However, Los Angeles is not content to allow the shopping card to be so underutilized. My favorite use for the shopping cart is very simple but also brilliant - the personal take-home shopping cart. Think about it, why would you leave the cart in the store, and then be forced to CARRY your items to you home when you can simply take the cart with you. With minimal effort you can just roll your items right up to the entrance to you apartment. This does however create the issue of what to do with the shopping cart now that you are at your apartment. And leave it to the cleaver people of LA to figure that out. You just leave it outside your apartment, maybe push it to the side of building so it is less likely to be stolen by an envious neighbor. Done. Other uses for the shopping cart include (but I'm sure are not limited to) stroller, dolly, table and though this might be inadvertent, it is no less striking, the lawn ornament.

This is where the art show comes into play. With all these people making use of the shopping cart in so many different ways the shopping cart has become part of the LA landscape and has become an integral part of society. I realized this as I was walking to my car this morning and saw a man stopping to collect shopping carts on the street and loading them into his shopping cart truck (yes, they have trucks designed for this purpose). Now I had seen these trucks driving around before but I had always assumed they were just delivering shopping carts from the shopping cart factory to the stores. I had no idea that it was actually someones job to drive around the city and collect stray shopping carts. Clearly there are a lot of detail that I'm not aware of, like, does he work for a certain store and just collect stolen carts from that one store? Maybe he works for himself and then he sells the carts back to the stores, for a price. Or maybe he works for the city and it is some attempt to beautify the neighborhood (some people are of the mind that shopping carts left on the front lawn of apartment building is not aesthetically pleasing). So I think an art gallery showing where artists are encouraged to reflect on the shopping cart as a muse would yield some amazing results. It's time the shopping cart is celebrated not just in our streets and in front of our apartment buildings but in our art.

Budget

I have put myself on a budget. Not to control my wild spending or anything (I'm too poor for that) but rather to be able to afford to eat while I'm in europe. I did not think saving a reasonable amount of money was going to be this hard but it seems that even though I have cut out extra spending I still can't seem to keep any money in my savings account.

So I have taken the added step of putting myself on a limited budget in hopes of fixing this issue. On Monday of each week I will take out $100 in cash and that is all the money I can spend that week (food, going out, shopping, etc). Bills of course will still be coming out of my account but that is all. Let's hope this all works out and helps to control some of my freaking out.

heat wave

This past week going to work everyday has been a major struggle for me. It is not always a joyful prospect but normally I'm indifferent. This week that was not the case. So I've been trying to figure out what was different about this week and I've decided the weather is to blame. Starting last weekend LA has been experiencing a heat wave. It was 90 something for 3 days and all I wanted to do was sit in the sun.

Having to be inside at a job all day is one thing when the weather is not so great but the summer weather just makes me realize how much I am missing.

It's suppose to drop back down into the high 60's / low 70's again - Maybe that will help.

READ IT

This article made my head hurt but it does a really good job at making sense of the whole AIG mess (and then some). Warning: it will make you mad.

that's awkward

I like to think that I'm not that awkward of a person. I know I have my moments and am by no means suave (do people still use that term?). But all and all I would say I do ok for myself in social situations. For whatever reason though when I'm talking to someone who is very awkward I become increasingly awkward around them. I'm not sure what it is but it is not ok. Maybe I'm trying to match their level of awkward to make things less weird, or am thrown off by them entirely. This happened fairly recently and it was disturbing. My head was totally aware that what I was saying and how I was saying it was awkward but I could not snap myself out of the awkwardness. I just kept saying weird things that made it seem like this was maybe the third conversation I had ever had with a person. Maybe this is normal maybe it is impossible to remain normal when talking to an awkward person? I don't like it though; it makes me feel like I regressed back to my middle school level of social interaction.

flickR

I updated my flickr...check it.

long weekend

I love having a Monday off over a long weekend. It always feels like I some how sneakily avoided going to work ;)

bitching

Things I hate about going to the doctor (or dentist) in LA -

1. It takes at least a month to get an appointment for a check up (if nothing is wrong with you). Depending on who your doctor is it can still take 3 weeks even if you tell them you may have a potentially deadly illness (ok, I'm exaggerating a little).
2. They think it is a perfectly acceptable solution to just send you to a clinic when they can't fit you in. (to be fair I did call around and got an appointment next day but still!)
3. If you are trying to go to a gynecologist there is often a 3 month wait for an exam. I can't say how long it would take to get an emergency gynecological appointment and I hope I never find out.
4. If you need blood work or cultures done here they will send you to a lab facility, usually in a totally different location (and depending on what you are having done the lab will often send you home with a fun little do-it-yourself kit). I have been told this is not just an LA thing but I still don't understand it.
5. They have very limited hours. My most recent experience with the medical system has proven this wrong somewhat, as the place I ended up going opened at 8am. My dentist however does not take appointments before 10am. The first doctor I went to here opened at 9am but the doctor did not show up till sometime after 9:30. It is also very difficult to get a morning appointment. They usually all close by 5pm.

Ok, I realize I am bitching but I think some of these things are legitimately annoying.

Dreams

For the past week or so I've been having these dreams. They are the kind that leave you confused the next day because you can't remember if they are real or just a dream. They always somehow relate to something that went on that day and involve people I know, they are also strangely mundane. The weirdest thing about them is the fact that I actually remember them at all, though not in great detail, just enough to confuse me about their actually having happened. Normally I never remember my dreams beyond just the faintest memory of them. I'm pretty sure remembering your dreams means you did not get a very good nights sleep. At least for me it seems that way, I always seem to feel more tired and generally less rested on days after these dreams.

I wonder how long this will last?

Over the past few weeks I've decided I need to experience more of LA. I know it is a huge city but I feel like I have seen so little of it. I blame this on my laziness and the fact that you have to drive everywhere. It would seem that a car would help in exploring a city but in a lot of ways it makes it harder. Sure it is easier to get somewhere far away or not all that accessible but when it comes to discovering places, cars hinder. Living in Boston for so long I was used to just walking out my door and finding new things, where as in LA you have to set out with a destination in mind. I've been fighting this for a long time but I think now I need to accept LA's form of exploration and plan places I want to go. Though I will still be wishing LA had better public transportation.