I don't make New Years resolutions. I don't see the point in setting an unattainable deadline only to fail and then hate myself for it (I won't lose 35 lbs before bikini season and I refuse to pretend to try). The few times I have attempted to take part in this cultural ritual have ended in feelings of discouragement, and unless my New Years resolution was to develop my self hate I don't think that's the point. I have for a few years now been selecting things I would like to focus on about myself or my current life situation and making them the focus, not necessarily of the year as sometimes they are resolved in a few months while others may take years. These ideas are more fluid than pounds lost or things to check off a list. This year however I did not really pick an area of focus it has just sort of presented itself through the experiences I have had. The issue of accepting my limitations (be they emotional, physical, artistic or just human) has come up again and again. I have taken this as a sign that I should make this a conscious focus and strive to accept where I am while working to expand in the areas that are important to me.
This leads me into yoga (see what happens when I go so long without posting? I have too many pent up ideas and my head goes in 12 directions at once). I have taken up yoga again this month and it has served to synthesize this idea of accepting limitations. Yoga bring to the surface a lot of my limitations and thusly my issues with them - which is also why I need to do it, and often. Everything hard about it is exactly what I need. The simple act of accepting that I am not in the a place physically (dare I say emotionally) to do every pose in the class is hard for me. As with most people I am my own harshest critic and to be ok with being the only person in the class not doing a head stand is unbelievably difficult for me. I have to make a conscious effort to tell myself it's ok to be where I am. At some points in my past I would have given up. Rather than be the least skilled student in the class I would just not taken the class - not put myself out there. But I have chosen to make this my focus, to take stock of where I am now, accept it and work to improve.
This goes beyond just accepting what I am not able to do, it also manifests itself in other ways. I need to be honest about what I am able to commit myself to, what I am able to do with my time. I hope to work on my ability to say no to things that are not really how I want to spend my time. Prioritize what is important to me so that I can give it as much focus as possible. Saying no to people is almost as hard for me as accepting I can't do a headstand (yet). So I'm a work in progress.
Come this summer you won't see me 35 lbs lighter but I might just be a little more accepting of where I am.
