Warning: this is long and probably boring.

I realized that even after 3 years of living in Los Angeles I still don't consider myself part of the city. It's not that I feel uncomfortable or out of place all the time, I have however yet to feel that I have made this city my own. I always feel slightly outside of the group - that 'group' being the city, I suppose . Being that LA is such a large and diverse city it sounds strange saying that, as there is no one group that defines the city. In a small town it seems it would be easier to have that 'not from around here' feeling. But I feel it in LA nonetheless. I have friends here so it's not a matter of feeling alone - it's something totally different from that. I realize also that it is coming from an inward place not something imposed on me by the people I encounter. Though in this city I am very aware that there are certain places I would feel very unwelcome the general feeling I have is not coming from people it's coming from me.

This realization came to me while at the gym the other day. I analyze people. I watch people while I'm at the gym (often for the purpose of writing blog posts about them). And while I think it is totally normal to analyze people, especially in situations like the gym where people put themselves on display, I realized though that I do it everywhere. Though on a very subtle level; I did not even realize how often I was doing it. And by having that analytical mindset I am in some small way removing myself from the group - I don't think it's possible (or normal) to analyze something that you truly feel apart of. And while the gym might be a bad example since I would desire a natural separate from a 48 year old in the midst of their mid-life crisis, trying to get back their high school football-playing body, I don't know if it is normal everywhere else. Though I can't be sure if I have this feeling because I choose that separation or if it would occur whether I did that or not. I could be blowing the significance of this 'epiphany' way out of proportion. But it did make me think about that tendency that I have, which made me realize that I don't think I ever feel like LA is my city. My life is in no way depressing, which I think this is making it seem to be. I've had a ton of fun these past 3 year but part of me always feels like a long (long) term visitor. Viewing the situations and locations I'm in as an outsider would.

Not sure what to do with this new found discovery. I do know however that I should probably spend more time actually working out when I'm at the gym.